


Half a Heart

by lavenderwinged



Category: Teen Top (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 12:17:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5743555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderwinged/pseuds/lavenderwinged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But Jonghyun is not one to leave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Half a Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Daniel’s answer in [this interview](http://oursupaluv.com/post/95695898820/interview-the-star-issue-no-18-september-2014)

1.

The house is different today.

The doors to his mom’s and Yoomi’s rooms are closed. They’re normally almost never closed. Music seeps from behind Yoomi’s door, while from mom’s it’s the sound of hiccupping.

“Mom?”

Mom’s sitting on her bed with legs folded in front of her and face buried in her knees.

“Mom. It’s ok. I’m here. We’re here,” he says, steadying her shaking shoulders.

His dad filed the divorce. The man has been having an affair for a while now so Jonghyun is not exactly surprised. But he can’t help feeling a little shocked that it’s so easy for the man to leave the three of them.

Mom apparently does not think it’s enough that they’re here. She hasn’t eaten for two days according to Yoomi, saying she’s not hungry. Yoomi thinks that’s stupid.

“I fucking told her,” Yoomi snaps, not looking at him, angrily stepping down from her bed and walking to her desk at the far corner of the room, as if to get away from him. “I told her he’s no good. I told her to leave him first but she didn’t listen to me. And now she’s crying like she didn’t see it coming or something.”

“But she-“

She loved him. And if you love someone it’s not easy to do that, he wants to say. But Yoomi already has her headphones in her ears.

So Jonghyun turns away. He takes the backpack he has just put on the sofa in the living room and walks out of the house. Back at the apartment, he locks himself in his room and lies on his bed. 

When he closes his eyes it’s not because he’s sleepy but because they’re so swollen he can’t keep them open. 

Jonghyun’s 14 and this is his first weekend after debut.

 

2\. 

A knocking on his door wakes Jonghyun up.

It’s been months since he last went home. He always stays in the apartment for the weekend because he has to study (he has to finish high school) and to practice (he wants to do this well because he figures this is the only thing he both likes and is good at).

But really this room is better than his room at home. It does not have the basketball his dad gave him, and the shelves they made together in the garage that his dad helped him attach to the wall to keep all the trophies he won from the taekwondo tournaments he used to participate in, and the telescope his dad bought him back when he was 10 so he could look at planets. 

The rapping on his door starts again and a chill runs down his spine. It’s 10 pm on a Saturday. Everyone should have left already.

“It’s me Daniel!” 

Cautiously Jonghyun opens the door and is relieved to find that it’s actually Daniel, with a big smile.

“Follow me,” Daniel says.

Daniel is Jonghyun’s favorite. He’s so nice. When Jonghyun can’t brighten up and just sits on the floor watching the others laugh and joke together, Daniel sits down next to him and talks to him.

And on a very side note Daniel’s gaze makes him blush and his heart do backflips in his chest.

So Jonghyun follows Daniel to the kitchen. There are 15 dots of light dancing in the dark. “Happy birthday dear Jonghyun,” they sing. From the voices he realizes that everyone has gathered to celebrate his birthday. 

His dad is not going to come back anymore; but now his life consists of new people and new routines and with Daniel here everything is great.

“Make a wish,” they say.

They’re all holding their breaths, eager to see his reaction. He looks at the five of them, gaze lingering at Daniel, who nods encouragingly, and he closes his eyes.

 

3.

When he opens them, he’s sitting in front of the mirror in their dressing room. Daniel is behind him. “What are you still doing?” Daniel asks, gently nudging Jonghyun’s shoulder with his hand.

Jonghyun is 20. Daniel and Jonghyun are now roommates and best friends. They have a lot of fun going out together, doing many things together, and sharing stories. 

Looking at the clock he realizes it’s almost the time for the filmed interview. Looking around he sees no one else. They must have all gathered in the room for filming. 

“I don’t like interviews,” Jonghyun says when they walk together along the hallway towards the filming room. Sometimes they ask him questions about what he’s going to do, and these questions make him think. And when he thinks, he’s worried. 

“Just do well what we do and the future will take care of itself ok?” Daniel says, squeezing his hand, as they sit down next to each other and next to the remaining four. Jonghyun nods. Daniel always knows how to calm him down.

“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” the interviewer asks.

“Married. With kids,” Daniel says, eyes lighting up and dreamy like he is playing a happy movie about his life in the future in his head, “kids that look like me.”

That night, Jonghyun sits next to Changhyun on the latter’s bed. Changhyun luckily doesn’t probe, so he does not have to talk. Changhyun only hugs him tight and by doing so holding him together, or else he would fall apart because all the hiccups he can’t contain threaten to shatter him. 

 

4.

When he wakes up it’s not Changhyun holding him, it’s Chanhee, standing in front of him at the doorway of the apartment, two suitcases on either side. 

“Goodbye,” Chanhee says when they break apart.

Jonghyun walks around the apartment. He hasn’t realized how quiet it is or has been, lost in his daily work of acting and choreographing and teaching dance. Of the other five rooms, only Daniel’s and Byunghun’s still have stuff inside. 

Jonghyun’s 25. Byunghun and he are sitting side by side on two chairs on the balcony overlooking the city. Jonghyun holds the icy cold beer can close to his hot throbbing temple as a constant reminder that no, this is not a dream.

“Now what do we do?”

“We grow up.”

They sit in silence. The wind blows his eyes dry. Byunghun stands up and puts a hand on his shoulder before going back inside. He tries to chase the warmth of Byunghun’s hand but it dissipates so fast. 

Byunghun moves out a few days later. Jonghyun waits for Daniel to come back so he can say goodbye. But it’s getting too long. 

It’s three in the morning when he’s done loading his car with his boxes. He could wait till the morning to drive to his new apartment but he’s not sleepy. Plus all the beddings are already in a box. He calls Daniel.

“Hello? Jonghyun? What’s the matter?”

“I want to say goodbye to you. I’m moving out of the apartment.”

Daniel is silent for a beat. 

“Oh ok. ok. phew. I’m glad it’s not something serious. Ok. I don’t really live there anymore. Guess I should pack up my stuff. Ah man I’m in Europe right now. Won’t be back till next month. Can you help me pack up my stuff and send to my parents?”

That wasn’t what he hoped Daniel would say. He assures Daniel that he would and ends the call. Looking up at the sky, he sees stars dim like the 15 candles on the cake ten years ago.

 

5.

When he brings his face down, he’s standing among stars, lavender stars that are actually thousands of glowsticks. He’s on stage with five of the people he likes the most in the world.

It’s time for everyone to make a speech. He has prepared one before the show began and has been rehearsing it in his head. “Dear Teen Top. Dear Angels….” But when Chanhee says it’s his turn, he says “Hello everyone,” then he just cries and cries, head bowed. Everyone gathers around him and pats his back. Chanhee nudges Jonghyun’s temple with his forehead.

Jonghyun’s 30. He’s acting, teaching dance and choreographing. Minsoo’s selling furniture. Byunghun’s producing. Daniel’s acting, Changhyun’s directing and Chanhee’s singing. 

But when Chanhee went around asking everyone to come to the meeting at Daniel’s café they all arranged their business to show up. Then they met and had the first practice session, the start of many that culminated in this night. Jonghyun felt so happy that they’re in the same place again after such a long time.

After the concert, they go their separate way with a promise of a comeback together. Jonghyun does not know if they’re going to be able to keep that promise but just the fact that they made it with such determination in their voice warmed his heart. 

When he’s preparing to go to sleep, someone rings the doorbell. 

For the past few days Jonghyun has been overwhelmed, trying to catch up with each of the five so he didn’t pay too much attention to Daniel. But now when Daniel alone is standing at his door, Jonghyun feels acutely how much he has missed Daniel. Daniel says nothing but only looks into his eyes and smiles. 

And they hug. Nobody knows. 

They move in together. They hold hands in the privacy of their home. 

They watch movies together on the couch in their living room. Daniel lies with his head in Jonghyun’s lap and tilts his head back and looks up at him and smiles and Jonghyun can easily imagine growing old with this man. He leans down to press a kiss on Daniel’s forehead.

 

6.

When Jonghyun pulls away Daniel is not lying with his head in Jonghyun’s lap. They’re sitting on opposite ends of the couch. They have just had a big argument about the show Jonghyun chose for the two of them to watch. It’s a horrible show Daniel said. They both know it’s not about the show. 

Jonghyun’s 32. His friends and family are asking him why he is not going out to meet girls. And Daniel has been looking sad and lost. 

Jonghyun sits on the couch motionless as Daniel stands up. 

Daniel packs his things. Daniel pulls suitcases out of the apartment. Daniel shuts the door behind his back.

 

7.

When Jonghyun leaves the couch it’s because the doorbell rang again. It’s Changhyun in a tuxedo. 

“You’re ready?”

“Yes. I thought you have to be early because you’re the best man?”

“Nah. I only have to remember my speech. That’s a lot of work already.”

When they reach a red light, Changhyun suddenly turns towards Jonghyun from the driver's seat, slight frown on his face.

“I’m still kind of surprised that he didn’t ask you to be the best man. You guys were really close. You were roommates,” he says.

That would be so weird, Jonghyun thinks.

Jonghyun’s 33 and he’s at the wedding of Ahn Daniel and Park Chorong. Daniel has just given him a friendly hug, the kind with an arm over his shoulders, and patted his back. Daniel did not talk about their past. If he remembers what happened between the two of them then he’s not showing it.

Jonghyun’s standing near a table of food and wine. The crowd is quite big. Daniel is popular. He has so many friends and invited so many. But Jonghyun’s eyes can spot Daniel anywhere.

Daniel and Chorong are dancing. They look so happy smiling like that with one’s forehead leaning against the other’s and looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. He thinks he’s going to get drunk and cry himself to sleep. He can indulge. After all, it won’t change anything.

“How are you Jonghyun?”

Namjoo is standing next to him. She’s wearing a blue dress, hair in a bun high behind her head. He hasn’t seen Namjoo since- Heck. He doesn’t remember. She looks beautiful. 

“My best friend is married to yours,” Namjoo says after taking a sip from her glass.

Jonghyun smiles courteously. She doesn’t know. But he’s glad she doesn’t.

It’s pleasant talking to Namjoo. She’s easy-going. Her presence is comfort just like how he remembers from high school. 

Bomi suddenly comes over and grabs her arm and pulls her away. There’s something very interesting apparently.

“Well I’m leaving for a little bit,” she says regretfully. “Wait for me here if you still want to talk to me ok?” an unsure frown and a hopeful smile.

Jonghyun decides to wait. For the first time in the whole evening his eyes now focus on the blue silhouette of Namjoo talking to her friends and laughing and turning back and waving to him with a smile, instead of the white tuxedo of Daniel. He’s curious.

Then begin the movie dates, the dinner dates, days to celebrate and tender smiles like threads sewing them all together.

Namjoo rests her head on his shoulder. They’re on the train, about to visit Namjoo’s parents, who moved to the countryside following their retirement. Outside the window fields follow mountains follow fields. Suddenly Jonghyun remembers being in a van, a lot younger and infinitely happier, with Daniel’s head against his shoulder. He jolts.

Namjoo is fast asleep. Jonghyun sighs.

 

8.

His life is basically sighs, audible and silent. When Jonghyun realizes it, he’s 35.

He’s 35 and keeping track of what Daniel’s up to by reading Dispatch. Today Dispatch uploads photos of Ahn Daniel and Bae Suji holding hands walking on a street at night. 

Daniel shows up at his door two days later a wreck. “Chorong won custody of Miyoung,” Daniel says. 

Fuck you Daniel, Jonghyun thinks. But then he sees tears on Daniel’s face. 

“We’re filming together. We’re just colleagues.” Daniel’s hot tears soak through the fabric of Jonghyun's shirt and burns his shoulder. Jonghyun feels like he has just woken up, that he’s alive.

So he goes to see Namjoo the next day to tell her “Maybe we should take a break.”

Namjoo shakes her head.

“No I can’t take a break Jonghyun. Everyone around me is either married or married with kids now. And you’re telling me to take a fucking break.”

“Then let’s end it here.”

Namjoo paces around the room, two hands on her temples like her head’s going to explode if she stops clutching it. She’s silent and then she’s bawling. Jonghyun stands up and walks towards her. “I’m sorry Namjoo.”

“Get the fuck out of my house.”

Jonghyun leaves. He’s not sighing anymore.

It’s night. This part of town is quite dark. He’s walking on the street when he hears Daniel’s voice. From afar he sees Daniel hooking an arm around some girl’s shoulders. They’re giggling. He can’t see the girl’s face but Chorong is not that tall. He does not recognize the voice. But it’s not Chorong’s. 

When the ground is back under his feet, the laughter is already far away.


End file.
